Talking to children about separation Couples need some time after a complex relationship. It is difficult to resolve matters without living in the same place or house. However, parents need to decide in some hard and really difficult situations. Who will stay and who’s leaving is one of the basic questions you have to settle for. It is mostly observed that children like to be with mothers. It is not necessary and it can be opposite to this. Situations make this decision easy. When children are more closed to father, they want to have him around. To solve this situation and keeping balance in the house, initiatives from parents should be taken on mutual grounds.

Pre-separation judgements and discussions with children:

Before separation, children should be taken into trust and matter should be discussed with the older ones, belongings etc. Younger children get insensitive quite early and may develop hatred, jealousy and consider all this unreal. Usually, most of the children that their parents would be together again and these arrangements are for short term period. To avoid the level of stress and uneasiness from the children, it is always better not to discuss things until and unless they are confirmed. With older children things are different. Decisions should be discussed by both parents at a stage where both the parents have made the final decision.  It is considerably easy to break news to teenagers as they know about these things as compared to those who are just 8 or 9 years old.

Children feel very insecure and they ask lot of questions. you should try to give them reasonable answers, in order to justify them. Questions which children usually ask revolve around:

• Why you are seeking separation?
• How long this separation will last?
• When will everything be fine again?
• Who is going to stay with children?
• Will they be allowed to meet the parent who is leaving house?
• How often will they see the other parent?

As children have immature minds, you need to give them answers that can satisfy them. It is not easy to brief the children about everything and it is difficult for them to understand.  In order to make them understand things in a better way, it is recommended by family counselors to check the mental condition of children. Don’t break the new at once but try to start a discussion. Breaking the news right away will hurt them more and might cause any serious psychological disturbance. Look for the best time and tell them how things will turn out to be. Also calm them down that nothing will go against their will.

Also read: Getting access to children

Take time and don’t be hasty on revealing what you both parents have thought to do. Mutual short talks with breaks in between are said to be meaningful and digestible. Genuine reasons play a key role and naturally fabricated tales of separation will not be a good idea. Mentioning the word “divorce” or “separation” will surely put them into emotional pain. To avoid hurting them, it is better to mutually decide with your partner how to deal with the worst situation in the most restful and healthier way.

 What parents should do to help children after separation:

• Foremost thing in the whole process of declaring separation is to: take children in confidence, incarnate reasoning, be logical, less resentment and more affection. Always be affectionate to your children before disclosing that their parents are going for divorce or separation.
• Avoid arguments and conflicts.  It will help children grow and move out of the feeling of misery.
• Make sure that the children stick to their questions and don’t intrude in adults’ problems. It will help in resolving issues which are not too easy to handle.
• Give time individually to each and every child. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t talk in a family meeting. But it clearly signifies each child’s need. Every child is different and will take this entire breakup according to his/her own understanding.
• Let children go and talk to their close ones: friends, grandparents and siblings are people to talk.

Take care of children’s need:

Children from broken families or divorced parents are more prone to depression, anxiety and even situations where they become very aggressive. What a parent needs to know is to give importance to each child. There are different support groups which deals with children who have divorced or separated parents. To fulfill the needs, it is important for the parents to send children to such support centers, help them taking out time and talking, listening to what they got to say, etc.

In a gist, talking to children about separation is not an easy task. However, it can be managed well with the help of both the parents. It is all up to parents how to make divorce less painful. Taking care of individual needs, helping children out at the trivial times are some of the things which you should do in such complex but important matters.

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